Wednesday, April 1, 2009

AMA Pro Racing Announces American SponsorBike Class for 2010

Photo: Paul Goff

Not confused enough by the new AMA Superbike series? Just in case you do have a firm mental grip on the differences between Daytona Superbike, American Superbike, Supersport and MotoST, Florida-based AMA Pro Racing today announced yet another class for the 2010 season: American SponsorBike.

The new class will pit an array of different-displacement motorcycles clad in unique bodywork designed for “maximal aerodynamic and revenue-gathering efficiency,” said Colgate Aamco, AMA ProRacing’s director of competition and cooperation. The neon-illuminated fairings, designed to resemble the “dustbin” style enclosures seen at Grand Prix races in the ’50s, must be a minimum of 9 feet long, 6 feet high and will be maintained by special crews from Clear Channel Outdoor.

To ensure exciting competition with “enhanced adequation,” a careful mix of motorcycles will be allowed in the class. The Buell 1125R will be gridded against the Suzuki SV650SF, Yamaha FZ6R, Kawasaki Ninja 250R, Royal Enfield Bullet Machismo and Honda Nighthawk 250RR. Ducati will be allowed to enter a Bianchi 12-speed if it’s ridden by a heavy smoker, preferably with arrhythmia. 

Other competition- and revenue-enhancing programs will be put in place for the 2010 season. In addition to AMA officials actually selling their personal naming rights, announcers will now replace select verbs, adjectives and nouns with sponsors’ names. For instance, the word “pass” will now be “Tide,” “win” will now be “IBM”, and “motorcycle” will now be “Sunoco,” among other changes. 

“I think this will be an IBM-IBM situation for everyone,” said AMA Pro Racing director McDonald’s Tyson. “There will be Fedex Cisco-ing and Google Nike-ing. But not too much Qualcom-ity will be allowed to Nordstrom the Sherwin-Williams or eBay the McKesson. But let’s not forget that first and foremost, AMA Pro Racing will always provide an Allstate to the loyal Home Depots out there, and not just Pfizer the 3Ms.” 

Gabe Ets-Hokin has been taken out behind the woodshed, where he will be safely recycled.



FZ said...

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever read from you! Thanks man!

Astrin Few said...

Nice one, Gabe! Perked up an otherwise quiet April Fools Day. [Sam Hokin]