Monday, May 8, 2017

Absolutely Perfect Pancakes

This post was written by Gabe's inner critic, Spencer.

For 30 or so years, I've struggled with pancakes. Which recipe is best? Should I use a mix? Blueberries? Oh, God, what?

Anyway, long story short, I now have committed to memory the best pancake recipe, so stop wasting money on mixes or spending hours combing the Web and Pictagram or whatever. Here it is:

Gabe's Inner Critic's Perfect Fucking Pancakes

(Makes 8 5-inch pancakes, which should feed 2-4 people depending on how greedy they are)

First, heat up a griddle. Do youself a favor, go on Amazon, and buy a cheap nonstick electric griddle. They're about $20-30 and make perfect pancakes and are easy to clean. They take up some room, but are light and you can store them sideways with your giant goddamn muffin pan that you haven't used since 1989. If you're too cheap or stubborn or whatever to get a griddle, heat a non-stick pan to about medium heat. You can grease it up with butter if you enjoy things like texture or flavor.

Then get a big mixing bowl and dump in:

One cup AP (all-purpose, not all-porpoise unless you're an Eskimo) flour, or sub 50/50 AP/whole wheat. If you are gluten free because of a medical condition, I'm really sorry. If you're gluten-free by choice, you have made a bad choice and I'm sorry for you, but not as sorry.

2 tsp of sugar, and sugar is sugar. Substitute Splenda or whatever if you think 16 calories of sugar will turn you into a disgusting fat pig or you have other reasons to avoid sugar.

1 tsp of baking soda and 1 tsp of baking powder. Maybe you are a smarty and you know the difference between these two things, and good for you. That $120,000 spent on culinary school went to good use, yay for you. As for me, I have no idea what the difference is, or why baking powder is twice as expensive as baking soda, or why you should use one or the other. Who GAF? Not me. Just use one of each. Or two of one. I don't think it makes a difference, but if you use one of each you'll hedge your bets. Don't use more than 2 tsp total or your pancakes will only taste good with sour cream and caviar on them.

1/4 tsp of salt. Be one of those obnoxious morons who tells me how good "sea salt" is so I can slap you.

Sift the above into a bowl and mix well. Then add:

3 tablespoons of melted unsalted butter. Oh boo, hoo, It's so unhealthy. You're doing a low-fat diet. Blah blah blah. Bullshit. Your body needs fat to absorb nutrients. Here's an idea: eat the appropriate amount of calories needed to maintain health and maybe take the stairs once in a while.

An egg. STFU about cholesterol. Bill Keys was a lying, unprofessional scam artist, the Mediterranean Diet is 97% bullshit, and eggs are awesome.

3/4-1 cup of warm (so you don't make the butter clump) milk, until you get the batter consistency the way you like. Go ahead and use skim, Captain Healthypants, because at this point it's clear you hate food.

1/2 tsp of vanilla

Mix it all up good. Alton Brown says to add the "dry team" and "wet team" together separately and then fold together, but we can't all be Alton Brown, can we? I don't think it makes a difference, but then again I'm not a celebrity chef.

Pour 1/4 to 1/3 cup of batter on your griddle. When you see bubbles form at the edges of the cakes, flip that shit. Let it cook about half the time you cooked the A side and then keep it in a warm place till you're ready to serve.

Variations: Try mashed banana and chopped walnuts, or frozen/fresh blueberries, or how about delete the sugar and add crumbled bacon and shredded cheddar cheese? "Healthy Eaters" can substitute gluten-free flour, stevia for sugar, add bran flakes for additional fiber, and then, they should grind it all up in a blender and give it to themselves in an enema bag. Why do you even bother eating? Obviously you hate yourself.

Bon appetit!